Today I feel a mixture of feeling sad and incredibly lucky. I am celebrating 7 years hangover free and I feel so ridiculously grateful. I got to celebrate at the weekend ( my belly button birthday also) with my amazing family and friends. They were celebrating both events equally with me. They have been with me through the rough and the tough. As I said ridiculously grateful.
Then there’s this…I’m not one for “quotes on social media” but to be honest the events post gig last night in Manchester are so unbelievably sad, heartbreaking and depressing that when I saw it posted today it really summed up how I was feeling. Be kind, tolerant and hug those nearest and dearest to you.
No, not in a rizla kinda way but the carnival kind. Myself and the UM have just returned from a trip to the carnival. Now, I’m fairly petrified of heights so the visit was purely nostalgic, I love all things retro and vintage and I enjoy the buzz at old Skool events. I just wanted to take some pictures. I could have stayed at home doing all the things that needed doing or in fact gone for a run. But I didn’t…and the best part of this is that I didn’t frickin’ bully myself for not doing those things either.
I’ve noticed that since I started practicing mindfulness ( still can’t believe I’m saying that) I’ve gotten much better at acknowledging that bullying voice in my head, letting it sit there like an unwelcome guest at a party, and carry on regardless. So instead of beating myself up for not running,not doing the books or generally doing stuff that can wait, I’ve started doing other stuff that makes me happy . Baking, walking, taking pictures, watching another documentary on the tv or indeed watching crap on the tv.
Today I choose to ignore the ever growing pile of ironing and go visit the fair…
Tomorrow I may run or I may not. Happy weekend whatever you’re doing.
Years ago I read a book by Bill Bryson called ” Walk in the woods”. It is up there with my all time favourite reads. One day I would love to do the same walk, this is probably a bit too adventurous but never say never. It’s only in recent years that I’ve been brave enough to run/walk through our own local woods. It was a fear I really had to get over, for myself but also when I realised that I was passing my anxieties about walking alone onto my daughter to the point that I was still walking her to school at 18.
My fears are not totally unfounded, during my teen years I had at least 3 occasions when strange men decided to expose themselves to me. One of those times it was in a pretty isolated area and quite scary but my instincts kicked in and I was able to get myself out of there fast. So for me being able to take a nice run without seeing the run as the quickest way in and out of the woods is serious progress. Even better and to my dogs delight I’ve taken to long leisurely strolls and enjoying the sounds of nature rather than hearing every creaky branch as a potential threat.
I’m not about to start running through the woods at midnight to prove a point( although this DiD happen during the early dating years with my now husband, there was whiskey involved) but I now have a ” healthy ” fear. Not one that stops me from enjoying and connecting with nature and people. This is sort of a mirror of what’s been going on in my noggin recently. As someone who experiences anxiety it can be easier to take the staying in option. But what would I miss out on. Don’t get me wrong , waking up in the morning feeling like there’s a 50 kilo weight on your chest and a free floating feeling of fear doesn’t make getting out of bed easy but when there’s even a glimmer of hope that everything will be okay…if you just trust. I’m so happy to be in a place where most of the time I try to keep an open mind. Another bit of good advice I picked up along the way. That and willingness.