Horrible hills and the bully in yer noggin

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The hills may well be alive but I’m boll-ixed/jiggered… After months of cosy treadmill sessions I had to have a word with myself. Race/run in 7 weeks and I haven’t tackled any hills yet. Problem was I didn’t feel physically brilliant when I woke up this morning, although the weeks of shitty anxiety are starting to subside I’m feeling a bit wrecked. My stomach was well dodge this morning possibly due to too much magnesium which I take in the evenings to help with back and muscle pain and I’m still catching up on lost sleep due to said anxiety.

But the voice in was my head was turned up to Spinal tap proportions and according to “it” I was lazy/making excuses/blahdefuckingblah. And of course I gave in to it… To be fair, it’s a beautiful morning here and initially I was full of the joys, headphones in… Now the first thing you hit on this particular run is a hill, grand no problem but 15 minutes in and my stomach started to turn and just as I started to slow down on a hill 2 friends showed up…couldn’t stop…pride baby.

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My legs felt like lead, I draaagggged them around for the next 1 k and instead of giving up I decided to tackle ” The hill of Doom” This was the suggestion of the bully in ma noggin who was telling me what a weak slob I was, instead of slowing down and taking a flatter more scenic trail run option which was available to me on my right I took the hill. Jaysus. Fair play to UM who bounces up this hill on a regular basis( clue is in regular…) but moi, I almost cried, the only thing that kept me going was the thoughts of the hill on the way DOWN. I half jogged/walked home or ummmm used the Hal Higdon method…

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I’d love to say I enjoyed it on reflection but I didn’t it was horrible, not the actual run as much as the pressure I put myself under, especially when I wasn’t feeling brilliant. But…I know now I need to get my ass off the treadmill if I’m to make any real progress. I am glad I was able to identify the bully though, I’m not doing that again, I don’t deserve it.

There really is no one else who judges me harder than I do myself. And I can change that.

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Artwork by Tabby 

 

Hope you are all well and being kind to yourselves S x

 

 

 

Musical interlude

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Short post just to throw some running music out there( don’t judge me) The lovely blogger slowrunnergirl ( great blog, gorgeous photos, inspirational early morning runs) asked me to share a list of what works for me …here it is so…

1. Just a girl.   No Doubt (  My girl crush)

2. One way or another.  Blondie ( I’m gonna getcha, getcha,getcha unless you’re faster than me in which case I won’t getcha at all)

3.  Monkey man.  The  Specials ( Cannot tell you how much I love this song)

4.   Another one bites the dust. Queen ( to be fair, cheesy as it is Anything by Queen is usually good to run to, except maybe Bohemian Rapsody…)

5. Insomniac.  Faithless ( no box making necessary these days…ah the hedonism of the 90’s…*shudder*)

6. Lose yourself. Eminem ( Love, love love this)

7. Titanium. Paul Guetta/Sia ( I may actually be losing your respect here but try it…)

8.Scummy man. Arctic Monkeys. ( Hardcore lyrics but great to up the tempo)

9.Going underground. The Jam ( Saw Weller live a few years back, very grumpy but brilliant songs.)

10. Running up that hill. Kate Bush or alternatively The moon and me. Tom Baxter. Both great for finishing off a run.

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So that’s what currently works for me and as I’ve said before it’s the closest I get to going out dancing these days, I can incorporate a ska inspired skip into my run altlthough it probably looks bit weird from behind.Interestingly my all time favourite band The Smiths don’t even get a mention, I tried but found it hard to get motivated by the lyrics of Girlfriend in a coma…

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Sorry not sorry…

And there it is, one of those annoying sayings we hear from the L’Oreal generation( because I’m worth it). It annoys the doobiebops off me. It’s up there with people who say ” I’m not being mean but… and “I’m saying this for your own good” No you’re not asshole, you’re saying it because you want to be hurtful. Anyhoo….

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Interestingly enough when I was little my favourite t-shirt was one with those little nudie figures and it said ” Love means never having to say you’re sorry” So the message here is, you can be hurtful and act like a dick and that’s ok. I always wondered how much crap those two characters on the  t-shirt had put each other through before one of them said ” Sod this”  Personally, I blame Ali McGraw and Ryan O Neill.

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My reason for this small meltdown are as a result of having to say I was sorry this week. I acted out on information given to me and as a result was a bit mean. As it turns out it was thinly veiled gossip.The following day I had what can only be described as an emotional hangover. But it was okay, I recognised what had happened here and because I have a few years sobriety under my belt and a 12 step tool kit I could see how the situation had arisen and more importantly what I needed to do. Throw my hands in the air( word up) and APOLOGISE. And not so I felt better, that’s the trick about amends, it doesn’t always go well…but I was lucky, the apology was graciously accepted and yeah, I did feel good, well more grateful really.

Recognising our defects and being able to do something about it is exciting really, it means we are growing.

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IN other news I’m back on track, well the  treadmill for this 10 k Mo-vember run. I’ll eventually get back outside running but to be honest I’m really enjoying having the firestation gym to myself. I lash the music on, currently it’s Blondie at full volume and give it some welly, running mostly on days off and before work( which I am painfully smug about)It’s the nearest I get to dancing these days.

Hope you are all well S x