Ugh… the plan this morning was to go for a swim but I woke up so banjaxed I decided rest was needed. As well as a horrible night with my back I had a drinking dream. It was so vivid I felt hungover when I woke up.
For me this is a “ freebie” It saves me the grief of going back out. Even after a good few years sober I have to keep vigilant. This is why meetings are so important. As I was explaining to someone yesterday, it’s not that meetings magically stop you from drinking but identifying with people who are just struggling with everyday stuff, work relationships, relationships oh and did I mention relationships 🙂, that’s what gives us hope when we feel that we’ve reached a wall or are feeling “ flat”. The fact that we see how others in recovery can deal with major crap and not drink. I remember when I was drinking even an imaginary slight from someone was enough to send me reaching for the bottle(s).
January has been a fairly difficult month. Historically it’s not great for me and on top of that I’ve been sick and not much running ( none) But I’ve had a few swims and it’s looking okay for me, hoping to do the Killary swim later in the year. They chuck you off a boat and you swim to shore. Also have just bought my first proper bike, a trek . Very exciting.
Winter sky 1
So heads up for February, fellowship and general fabulousness…leave you with a picture of me looking increasingly like my dog.
Yeah,yeah yeah. I know, nearly everyone you know had the flu over Christmas/New Year. This is not the beginning of a moanfest just stating facts and I wanted to get a blog in before January ended.
It was “ proper” sick. For the first time ever in my current job I took time off. It was a pretty quiet Christmas really apart from on the Friday after Christmas my daughter joined my husband onstage and sang 4 songs at his gig. Yes, my heart was bursting with pride. Note to self. If I’d been drinking this would have gone over my head #gratitudecheck
So I’m gradually returning to normality. Back to work, back swimming,back blogging but no running just yet. I’ll be gentle with myself on that one, still have a pretty heavy wheeze going on. The constant taking of paracetamol is taking it’s toll though, I’ve got myself some pretty impressive dark circles under my eyes. On that note, it’s so important to check over the counter medication, some cough medicine has a very high percentage of alcohol in it. Not that I’m against medication when it’s needed,and to be honest if I’m going to relapse it won’t be on night nurse…also I think after time in sobriety and rigorous honesty you know when you’re “acting the bollocks”with your recovery.
So a lot of time spent in bed reading and thinking…Jesus, the thinking. But I did get to read a lot of books and blogs. There was one post in particular from SoberinVegas that hit on something for me. I get moments in sobriety when I momentarily miss the “ bold me” The one that drank and smoked and didn’t ( appear) to give a shit. The tattooed, flame haired mad dancing crazy girl( to be fair I still tick a few of those boxes). Of course I know this is all normal but SOMETIMES I feel like such a goodie 2 shoes! I mean what does that even mean? Society tells me I need to be edgy…well actually try training for an triathlon, that’s pretty bad ass.
But I’d just like to end on this and throw it out there. I have lots of friends who are incredibly open about their sobriety and membership of AA. I think this is a good thing( I have to add here that I have total respect for the right to remain anonymous , live and let live) I read in the comment section of another blog recently how AA “insist” on a God/Higher Power to stay sober. There are so many harmful misconceptions of the fellowship imho. The “anonymous “ part seems to arouse suspicion which is why I love when some Rock Star who has a “ cool” image comes out publicly as using the program. I know that may sound shallow but society is shallow. Wouldn’t it be great if sober was cool.
I’ll love yiz and leave yiz for now S x
p.s the “ bang” in the title refers to the sound of me falling on the bathroom floor after a particularly enthusiastic cough that put my sacrum out.