High Anxiety, great film, not so great in real life…

3AB88884-298B-4C82-B178-A0748C480C90

So Father, it’s been 2 months since my last post. That’s probably the only good memory I’ll take from the rather scary ritual of Catholic confession… the short term relief it gave. Not that I feel guilt for not writing on my rather insignificant WordPress blog . But NOT writing, like not running, biking or swimming is a good sign that I’m a bit” under the weather” Also my creativity, confidence and general mood is down. And a warning of what might be “ in the post”

5317C37D-96DA-4B35-85C1-03ED5F240E28
This is an actual place …only in Dublin.

Negativity feeds negativity so today it stops…just for today is what I can manage, like the first step which I can apply to ANY part of my life thanks to nearly 8 years sobriety.  It’s been an incredibly emotional few weeks and it’s taken it’s toll. Without going into too much detail, other people in my life, one who I love very much and another that I’m related to by birth are struggling with alcohol. In the middle of this to stop myself feeling helpless I started to work with a newcomer…who went back out( not my shit but sad)  Then comes the anxiety, insomnia and back pain…ffs.

But I’m a fighter, up the meetings and stay useful… My Aunt dies, but I can’t go to the funeral because of a family member in active addiction and I’m full of fear, here comes the guilt I’m letting people down but I have to protect myself. Decs Da has a stroke. Now THAT I can deal with. I am pretty practical ( now that I’m sober!) But it’s taken it’s toll…I am bollixed…full of anxiety, self doubt and the critical head is in full on mode. Just for today I will do small things, I’ll post that birthday card to my goddaughter that’s a week late, I’ll go for a swim, I’ll visit my father in law in hospital, I’ll go to the doctor and try get another mri for my back. I might even eat at some stage…

This has been a bit of a moaning post but like sharing at a meeting I needed to be honest about where I’m at. I have a couple of days planned cycle wise next month. I’m riding shot gun on Unironed mans mental ultra run. A triathlon is planned for August and a big swim in October. And speaking of cycling, here’s a photo of my new bike…

C8139918-DCAA-4B56-87F4-6D3C270C9C5C

 

For those of you who know me, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve gotten over the fact that it’s got a splash of pink on it.🙂 She’s really lovely and I’ve yet to take her out for a proper spin. The first one didn’t go so well, for various reasons, mostly fear based and resulted in me telling a pedestrian to go f** k herself. Not proud of that but I’m human… As we say in AA , I’ll end on this…

26E434E8-338A-488A-8C28-9B3E48533BAB