High Anxiety, great film, not so great in real life…

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So Father, it’s been 2 months since my last post. That’s probably the only good memory I’ll take from the rather scary ritual of Catholic confession… the short term relief it gave. Not that I feel guilt for not writing on my rather insignificant WordPress blog . But NOT writing, like not running, biking or swimming is a good sign that I’m a bit” under the weather” Also my creativity, confidence and general mood is down. And a warning of what might be “ in the post”

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This is an actual place …only in Dublin.

Negativity feeds negativity so today it stops…just for today is what I can manage, like the first step which I can apply to ANY part of my life thanks to nearly 8 years sobriety.  It’s been an incredibly emotional few weeks and it’s taken it’s toll. Without going into too much detail, other people in my life, one who I love very much and another that I’m related to by birth are struggling with alcohol. In the middle of this to stop myself feeling helpless I started to work with a newcomer…who went back out( not my shit but sad)  Then comes the anxiety, insomnia and back pain…ffs.

But I’m a fighter, up the meetings and stay useful… My Aunt dies, but I can’t go to the funeral because of a family member in active addiction and I’m full of fear, here comes the guilt I’m letting people down but I have to protect myself. Decs Da has a stroke. Now THAT I can deal with. I am pretty practical ( now that I’m sober!) But it’s taken it’s toll…I am bollixed…full of anxiety, self doubt and the critical head is in full on mode. Just for today I will do small things, I’ll post that birthday card to my goddaughter that’s a week late, I’ll go for a swim, I’ll visit my father in law in hospital, I’ll go to the doctor and try get another mri for my back. I might even eat at some stage…

This has been a bit of a moaning post but like sharing at a meeting I needed to be honest about where I’m at. I have a couple of days planned cycle wise next month. I’m riding shot gun on Unironed mans mental ultra run. A triathlon is planned for August and a big swim in October. And speaking of cycling, here’s a photo of my new bike…

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For those of you who know me, you’ll be pleased to know that I’ve gotten over the fact that it’s got a splash of pink on it.🙂 She’s really lovely and I’ve yet to take her out for a proper spin. The first one didn’t go so well, for various reasons, mostly fear based and resulted in me telling a pedestrian to go f** k herself. Not proud of that but I’m human… As we say in AA , I’ll end on this…

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13 thoughts on “High Anxiety, great film, not so great in real life…

  1. Joseph E Bird April 9, 2018 / 5:11 pm

    there’s that word again (you know which one) and now that i understand, i’m with you. some days (weeks/months/years) are like that.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bgddyjim April 9, 2018 / 5:31 pm

    I’m in the middle of one of those months. Say my prayers, hit my meetings, eat my Wheaties and ride like I’m trying to wear the wheels off… It’ll all work out if I do my best, one day at a time. I’m sure it’ll be the same for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. saoirsek April 9, 2018 / 5:41 pm

    We are very lucky to belong to a great gym/ pool place( for the next few months anyhow, it’s stupid expensive) I pull myself up in the mornings because it’s the right thing to do. Feeling very grateful, there’s been a lot of relapse in the air lately. Thanks Jim🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ainsobriety April 9, 2018 / 8:56 pm

    Nice bike.
    Keep putting yourself first. I hope writing it down helped you like it always helps me.
    Letting go of other people’s stuff is hard!
    Hug
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Dawn April 12, 2018 / 11:02 am

    Stay strong! Hope you,re doing okay?!
    p.s. love the bike!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Mark David Goodson April 18, 2018 / 5:54 pm

    Geez do I understand the lull. I’m there often. Many times I’m writing in spite of my self-loathing, in spite of antsiness. Then, there are times when I can’t even right about that.

    I’m wishing you an expedited journey back out of the doldrums.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. CJ May 22, 2018 / 8:01 am

    Hiya MISS your blog posts S!!
    I just nominated you for The Mystery Blogger Award!
    Info is in my latest post. I love blog and enjoy reading your posts!!
    If you don’t have time to post or if you’ve already been nominated…..no worries! I Just wanted to ‘pay it forward’ and highlight some awesome bloggers!!
    Luv CJ x

    Liked by 1 person

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