No,not in the obnoxious, person standing in the queue kinda way but as in I could do with some help here.
Since finishing up my job 3 months ago I’ve come to realise how much I defined myself by what I did. I had a sort of interesting job where I met interesting people but the payoff was headmelt so I got out of there. It was only in the past few weeks when someone asked me “ What do you do? that I started to get stuck. I went into some long winded blah about what I HAD done and I’m pretty sure they regretted asking me.
Then more recently after signing up for a triathlon I realised my running career is most likely over due to a long term back problem. UM convinced me that I could still train for it by swimming and biking. But yesterday I pretty much made up my mind that I really don’t want to race having only half heartedly trained. In fact I can’t imagine at this very moment doing a triathlon again. I have a swim coming up too but I’m cool with that as I love swimming. But I’m no longer a runner…or a triathlete( which was a bit of a stretch as I’ve only ever done two) Oh and I really need to change the tag line on the blog.
But suddenly I feel a bit lost, I guess at my age ( 49) a lot of people feel this way. It reminds me a lot of my 20’s when I was at home with the kids. When I did get the chance to socialise I felt I hadn’t anything really interesting to say. I realise this sounds a bit ungrateful but it really got to me yesterday. I picked up my iPad and thought “ Jesus, you even think you can write” and went to delete my blog. But part of me still thinks I’m entertaining ( the deluded part)
I guess it’s really about change and looking at the unknown as an exciting opportunity, taking risks and putting myself out there. I’m starting a course in a few weeks that I’m only really half invested in but I’ll give it a go. Meanwhile the only answer I can come up with is “ I’m a pretty average, fairly good natured woman who loves her family, Black and white films, vintage clothes, cycling, singing, taking photos,dancing ,reading, swimming and the odd cigarette ( thanks Cat, you made me rat myself on that one)It’s the bold child in me🙂
Just want to end in this note…We had the absolute pleasure of meeting up with fellow blogger Cat Bradley when she and her lovely fella visited Dublin, what an absolutely wonderful pair, love you guys❤️
dreadmill 
A fulfilling question for all of us is, do I know who I am? I hope that you do not delete your blog because even though you may not be a big time professional writer you are a good writer. Why I say this is simple, I enjoyed reading this article, it was well written and the reason it is a good read, I can tell that you are being honest in your thoughts and your words, what more can a reader ask of a writer, to be entertained with the truth. Being that I enjoyed your article I am going to reblog this for you.
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Thank you for those kind words🙏
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Very enjoyable reading. The age old question “what do you do?” I hate it because immediately it relates to how do I earn money. That pays the bills, it is not who I am. “HEADMELT” love it.
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Thanks Larry, you’re welcome to use that one🙂It’s a cleaned up version of another more popularly used Irish saying!
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Don’t you bloody dare delete your blog! *winks* I LOVE reading your blog posts, you are SO creative… your photos are amaaaaazing… and don’t let this bloody run/swim/bike/tri/race shit get to you or define you… you are so much more! 🙂 I am 54 and omg I know exactly where you are coming from… I love following your story, its just you and we are here because what you share keeps us here.
Dying to hear more about your course!!!
xxx
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Wow, thanks love. The self confidence has taken a bit of a bashing. And what you said about letting stuff define us, that’s exactly what I was trying to get across! Xxx
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I can totally empathise. When I quit teaching, I didn’t know what I wanted to do and suddenly felt that there was a gap in my identity… and as someone who is putting on weight and not training, I no longer feel that I’m a runner or a triathlete. So who am I now? The honest answer is that I don’t know and that I think it may be a couple of years before I get close to having an answer.
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Thanks Tamsyn, I’m a big admirer of yours, I appreciate the comments. We still have our swimming!
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I’m jealous of your ability to smoke the odd cigarette. The only thing I did harder than drink was smoke.
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Oh I’d rather not do it at all tbh. It’s like I said , there’s still a bold child in there somewhere 🙂
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I fucking love you.
You are anything but average. You are extraordinary. You dare. You dare to try. You dare to fail. You dare to quit. You dare to admit. You live Saoirse! Not everyone does!
My life is better because I know you. Sitting in that restaurant in Dublin with you was the ultimate–living out a dream I never even knew that i had. I want to be a citizen of the world–I want my life to be BIG. And there I was, meeting and knowing this amazing couple from Ireland. And you know–we don’t get any of that shit, if we’re both not sober. We never would have met.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other my friend. You are wonderful and inspiring and the world needs your voice (you are a fucking terrific writer, such effortless humor, I am often jealous of it!). Connect to that bigger “thing” we talked about whenever you can, and ask for guidance. You are not alone–ever!
ps–you guys get your butts to nyc sometime soon! x
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Ah Jesus Cat… I love you too. I thought the same, this is the amazing shit that we get to do because of a choice we made years ago. We WILL see you guys again. Love is the way Xxx
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Idk how i missed this! ❤ ❤
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I can relate to this we do wrap our identities an all sorts of things our jobs or children even in addiction and recovery. Underneath all of that is a being of pure love that is enough. Good luck on your new adventure! x
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Thanks, good to hear from ypu🙂
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Even though our situations are different (I’m still working at the same old job with no end in sight, even though it is slowly killing my soul, but I am trying to BE GRATEFUL, goddammit) I have this weird thing where I have no idea if this is the life I am supposed to be living, or where I might have wound up if it weren’t for the 20+ years of addiction. I feel lost all the time. But please keep writing. It’s the best thing. 🙂
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Thank you❤️
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Self-identity is a tough one. I like the way you tackle it in busted images. Anyone who tries to take it on with clear ones, is obviously not getting the point.
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Thanks Mark for commenting. It made me reread this. Will be back posting soon🙂
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I’m heading out to a meeting with my wife and father-in-law tonight… sssshhhhhh… I can’t let that cat out of the bag on my blog. 😉
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You don’t know me but I always saw your red hair when you commented on Anne’s blog. Ainsobriety I disappeared for a while, no prizes for guessing where but when I came back I noticed an absence of comments from you. I hope that doesn’t me what it CAN mean in this corner of the blogosphere. Wishing you well wherever you are at in your life.
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I’m all good, just took the year to concentrate on other stuff. I was only saying today that I must get back to blogging!
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